decades...

I have been thinking about this.
Now that I have entered the 4th decade of my life, I look back to see how things have been so far, and look forward to see what awaits me. And I am glad to see that instead of fearing the gradual approach of greying hair and sagging flesh, I am actually happy about the passing years. Because I feel I have actually gotten better with age. And because, to me, the years to come seem very promising. And because I believe, the best is simply yet to come. So here's a re-cap of the years gone by

0-9: Loneliness
Sadly that is the only memory I have of my first decade. I was (and still am) an only child - and that fact that I was a quiet and reticent one didnt help matters. I did have friends, but nothing could fill the gap the way a sibling would have. Strangely, I did not pine for a sibling then. But when I look back, I think having one would have surely helped. Still remember how incomplete our family felt - just my father, mother and me. But it wasn't as if I was unhappy. My only grouse is that having a sibling probably would have strengthened me in many ways. Anyway, at least my daughters wouldn't complain!

10-19: Insecurity
Yes, what I remember from those turbulent years can be summarised by the word "insecurity". Mostly throughout the decade, I performed well academically and did a decent job at certain extra curricular activities (speech, essay, story writing etc. were my forte), no doubt. But unlike certain classmates of mine, people who I envied and admired, I was not a pro at singing, dancing, sports and making friends - much needed qualities to be this teen "diva". My circle of friends was small. I was this nerdy, quiet and stout child with a bad sense of dressing (some of which I still retain). Especially my "non-talkativeness" ashamed me most. My relatives perpetually saw me as this quiet and timid girl.
And whenever I was in the company of my bolder, well-dressed, hindi-speaking cousins, I always felt inferior. "Good at studies" was the only adjective I tightly held on to, but only till the point I entered college. "Good at studies" did not naturally translate to "good at engineering" in my case, which I sadly began realizing. My grades dropped and I was a miserable failure in getting along with other girls in the hostel. Result, I quit hostel and forced my mom to move in with me. The only bright spot towards the latter part of my teenage was that I became a serious fan of Hanuman :) and I still am one.

20-29: Uncomfortable
Throughout my early 20's I was uncomfortable with who I was. There was a wide gap between who I was (quiet, restrained) and who I wanted to be (vivacious and dynamic) I was rather a simple person, my socializing skills were limited and I lacked guile. My limited exposure to various wordly ways was another added disadvantage. So much so, that I did not even realize that I came across as under-confident at times. Professionally, I was doing okay and there was nothing to complain about. But there was some amount of resentment and anger inside me, and a whole lot of immaturity.
In my twenties, came something dramatic - marriage. It was a good change that had to happen, and I am glad it did early in my life. It exposed me to a whole new world, very different and one that I didn't have any awareness of. The best lesson that marriage has taught me is that it is okay to have flaws. I have learnt that one needs to relax, and not be uptight always. And that it is ok to seek enjoyment and let your hair down once in a while. And now, my children are teaching me a whole set of new lessons - patience is one of the first chapters.

30... Wisdom, perhaps?
The last few years of the past decade have been ones of revelation. At last, I think I am moving towards being at peace with who I am. I am getting comfortable in my skin. I have come to accept that I am not infallible, and don't hold myself guilty for it. I am less defensive, less angry about who I am. I AM a lot more AWARE - and is awareness not where everything starts?
Yet, there is lot more to do, a million improvements to be made, but I have also understood that they can't happen overnight. I know I have started moving in, what I think is, the right direction.

So, after writing what by far is my longest post, I am finally beginning to "postively feel postive". 30's has kicked off what I am hoping will be the most enjoyable phase of my life. Watch out for updates as I continue my journey...