decades...

I have been thinking about this.
Now that I have entered the 4th decade of my life, I look back to see how things have been so far, and look forward to see what awaits me. And I am glad to see that instead of fearing the gradual approach of greying hair and sagging flesh, I am actually happy about the passing years. Because I feel I have actually gotten better with age. And because, to me, the years to come seem very promising. And because I believe, the best is simply yet to come. So here's a re-cap of the years gone by

0-9: Loneliness
Sadly that is the only memory I have of my first decade. I was (and still am) an only child - and that fact that I was a quiet and reticent one didnt help matters. I did have friends, but nothing could fill the gap the way a sibling would have. Strangely, I did not pine for a sibling then. But when I look back, I think having one would have surely helped. Still remember how incomplete our family felt - just my father, mother and me. But it wasn't as if I was unhappy. My only grouse is that having a sibling probably would have strengthened me in many ways. Anyway, at least my daughters wouldn't complain!

10-19: Insecurity
Yes, what I remember from those turbulent years can be summarised by the word "insecurity". Mostly throughout the decade, I performed well academically and did a decent job at certain extra curricular activities (speech, essay, story writing etc. were my forte), no doubt. But unlike certain classmates of mine, people who I envied and admired, I was not a pro at singing, dancing, sports and making friends - much needed qualities to be this teen "diva". My circle of friends was small. I was this nerdy, quiet and stout child with a bad sense of dressing (some of which I still retain). Especially my "non-talkativeness" ashamed me most. My relatives perpetually saw me as this quiet and timid girl.
And whenever I was in the company of my bolder, well-dressed, hindi-speaking cousins, I always felt inferior. "Good at studies" was the only adjective I tightly held on to, but only till the point I entered college. "Good at studies" did not naturally translate to "good at engineering" in my case, which I sadly began realizing. My grades dropped and I was a miserable failure in getting along with other girls in the hostel. Result, I quit hostel and forced my mom to move in with me. The only bright spot towards the latter part of my teenage was that I became a serious fan of Hanuman :) and I still am one.

20-29: Uncomfortable
Throughout my early 20's I was uncomfortable with who I was. There was a wide gap between who I was (quiet, restrained) and who I wanted to be (vivacious and dynamic) I was rather a simple person, my socializing skills were limited and I lacked guile. My limited exposure to various wordly ways was another added disadvantage. So much so, that I did not even realize that I came across as under-confident at times. Professionally, I was doing okay and there was nothing to complain about. But there was some amount of resentment and anger inside me, and a whole lot of immaturity.
In my twenties, came something dramatic - marriage. It was a good change that had to happen, and I am glad it did early in my life. It exposed me to a whole new world, very different and one that I didn't have any awareness of. The best lesson that marriage has taught me is that it is okay to have flaws. I have learnt that one needs to relax, and not be uptight always. And that it is ok to seek enjoyment and let your hair down once in a while. And now, my children are teaching me a whole set of new lessons - patience is one of the first chapters.

30... Wisdom, perhaps?
The last few years of the past decade have been ones of revelation. At last, I think I am moving towards being at peace with who I am. I am getting comfortable in my skin. I have come to accept that I am not infallible, and don't hold myself guilty for it. I am less defensive, less angry about who I am. I AM a lot more AWARE - and is awareness not where everything starts?
Yet, there is lot more to do, a million improvements to be made, but I have also understood that they can't happen overnight. I know I have started moving in, what I think is, the right direction.

So, after writing what by far is my longest post, I am finally beginning to "postively feel postive". 30's has kicked off what I am hoping will be the most enjoyable phase of my life. Watch out for updates as I continue my journey...

Self Image

VISION - More human, more efficient, more loving!

An individual who

1. Smiles more often
2. is Assertive - not afraid of speaking out
3. is Less panicky, less afraid of the uncertain
4. Faces turbulence and change bravely
5. is More hardworking (exercise)
6. is Not risk-averse
7. is More patient with the kids
8. is Smartly dressed
9. Achieves all that she intends to - a nice, comfortable home, two-healthly well-brought up kids, pursuing hobbies (painting, sketching), engaged in linguistic pursuits

Re-visit

It's been almost 3.5 months since the last post on this blog. And I am checking to see where I stand.
Self Image - another posting soon

Grades

• Smile more - C
• read more - B
• listen to more music - C
• Increase in intake of fruits/vegetables - B-
• impressive dressing/demeanour - C
• Exercise - C
• Religious - B-
• Additionally Sudoku - B
• Yoga + Everything else - should wait!

clearly immediate needs - smile, music, impressive dressing, exercise
increase tempo in - fruits/veg/religious activities
carry on well - Read, Sudoku

Image

Thoughts Courtesy: http://www.ishafoundation.org/news/columns/2009/CompleteWellBeing_Nov2009.pdf

Love Sadhguru's columns (they tend to unsettle me sometimes, though!)
Came across the above link from the Isha Dec '09 Newsletter. Loved the section on self-image. Important points mentioned here:

• The self image one has built unconsciously has usually nothing to do with reality - it is according to the kind of pattern or external situation one has fallen into
• I can create a new self image consciously - the way I really want to be
• The new self image is subtle, yet tremendously forceful - think about it for 2-3 days before sitting to create it
• Close your eyes and visualise how other people should experience you - give attention to details
• New image should be more human, more efficient, more loving!

Pranams!

The list below is what I had posted way back in Sep 2008. Haven't made too much of progress, but it struck me that marking timelines against each is as important as the goal itself. Now that things are bound to change and there is going to be a lot of ups and downs, it has become all the more important to know what is to be tackled in short time and what in long time. So here are fresh updates (oh, how I love planning!)

• Practise breathing exercises regularly -> Anulom-vilom, Kapal Bhati, Pranayama

April/May 2010: This will be Yoga - full 40 mins of Yoga

• Practise sadhana/meditation -> calm your senses and find peace; increase concentration, sharpness and agility

Covered by above (onde kallu, eradu mavinkai)

• Do about 20 mins of rigorous running - everyday on the treadmill

July 2010

• Maintain clean surroundings - orderly and planned living

Aug 2011

• Cut down on bad food and increase intake of fruits, vegetables and fibres

Feb 2010

• Maintain records - whenever, wherever possible and of course, make them easily accessible

Ongoing/May 2010

• Service household equipment regularly -treadmill, chimney

Ongoing/May 2010

• Fill your home with fresh and good things - flowers, scents, inspiring wall decorations etc.

January 2012

• Paint - Indulge in art as much as you'd want to. Make it a point to gift art work to close friends and relatives

January 2014

• Music - learn to listen to and appreciate all forms of music (international included)

Ongoing/April 2010

• Religious activities - visit temples regularly, chant mantras at home and fulfill all your religious necessities

May 2010

• Reading and Writing - Read at least 1 book a month and start writing again (am I not doing it already :))

Ongoing/December 2010

• Network and socialise - start interacting more with people; dont shy away from company; Add: Smile more; Be impressive in dressing & demeanour

Ongoing/April 2010

So here's the order of priority then:

• Ongoing - Smile more, Read more, listen to Music
• Feb 2010 - Cut down on bad food and increase intake of fruits, vegetables and fibres
• April 2010/May 2010 - Be impressive in dressing & demeanour; Yoga; More music; Maintain records; Service household equipment regularly; Religious activities
• July 2010 - Treadmill
• December 2010 - Write more
• August 2011 - Maintain clean surroundings - orderly and planned living
• January 2012 - Fill your home with fresh and good things
• January 2014 - Paint

April-May, going to be one busy season!

Ok, now for what I can think for the the much distant future (5-10 year plan)

• Learn French/Sanskrit
• Learn Tanjore Painting

The Wonderful world

Thank God for the wonderful parallel universe (no, I don’t mean Pandora) and the numerous citizens that dwell in there, I am having no short supply of fun these days. And having found some extra time to indulge in uninhibited, free browsing, I am discovering whole new colonies out there. I am talking about blogs and bloggers that come in all forms and sizes.

Look at the way it has made celebrated writers of ordinary people and the kind of opportunities it has opened up for people to communicate - amazing. From the inconsequential rants of numerous faceless people to the well followed blogs of celebrities, we have a totally astounding range. Personally, I enjoy the whole variety.
Movie/book critiques, bollywood gossip, blogs on topics ranging from interiors to cooking, celebrity blogs, funny ones, philosophical ones, social commentries and just about anything under the sun.

Recently stumbled upon Coconut Chutney’s blog. Hilarious! Cannot believe that this a twenty year old who pens such riotously humorous posts.

Hey chutney case, if you happen to visit my blog, leave a note or two! I'd be happy!

BFN!

Equilibirum

I am not in the best of moods today. So much so, that I got into that 'shut off' mode where I shut myself off, direct my anger at someone and ignore him/her completely. It was the result of something that happened yesterday. Here are thoughts around the incident -
Bad side - BS - of me (often the one that rules) and good side (GS) have this one of many dialogues:
BS - Why are you being sidelined? treated differently?GS - To me, it seems perception... maybe you are using tinted glasses?BS - tinted glasses? nitpicking, letting you always have the worse of the 2 things bought, not once appreciating what you do or give, never once asking 'how are things with you' or 'are you okay' or saying words like 'be careful', 'eat on time' - this and that while generously doling it out to the other party - is that all my assumption? how about the time when you came back tired after 24 hours of air travel and were asked to make chapatis, while the other person who just returned from a 'shopping' trip was asked if she was tired and asked to rest? or when always what the other party liked was identified and got things prepared accordingly, while your likes and dislikes were ignored? you mean these never happened? or even when silly things done by
GS - Listen, I dont deny these (I still give the benefit of the doubt - maybe it was all unintentional) BS - Unintentional? Who are you kidding?
GS - Maybe you seem unapproachable and belligerent to people. Learn to smile more and do more PRBS - Why is it always, irrespective of root cause, the solution always lies with me?GS - Alright - point taken - So, by getting all worked up, what is the benefit you get?BS - I am not doing this by choice. I am angry when this happens. And that is unavoidableGS - Remember - you are not doing anyone any favour by upsetting yourself over thisBS - I know that!GS - So listen to me. Let us revisit the concept of responsibility.
responsibility = ability to respond. When angry, you lose the ability to respond. You only REACT - which is what you've been doing
Many ways you can respond through:
- Talk about it to the perpetrator (not possible now or ever)- talk about it to the 3rd party witness (useless, will not listen or bother)- Blog it out :) and eventually learn to condition yourself to ignore (difficult but possible) and direct your energies elsewhere. Benefits of ignoring:
- you dont get BP or spoil your health - you dont waste precious time thinking about this - you dont direct the anger at someone else
Basically the reason for all this is - you are insecure. Insecure that someone else is treated better than you. And that in turn to you implies that person's greatness.
Think hard and deep. In what way is someone's treatment of you going to affect you? Will it take away or give you something? what will diminish materialistically? even otherwise? Think and it might help you remain secure.
Suggest you stop this unreasonable behavior. Draw inspiration from the 3rd party witness himself. He is a true Sthitaprajna.
Gita's essence for Sthitaprajna - Shri Krishna’s ideal human being is Sthitaprajna. Prajna is mind, intellect, wisdom. Sthita means stable. Sthitaprajna is a person whose mind has stabilized. Whether he has faith in the divine is immaterial, as long as he is in a state of equilibrium while facing the ups and downs of life.
Difficult but achieveble. What do you say?
BS - I dont know, will try! All I know is I have to try and be a Sthitaprajna.
Thanks for listening.

Result -
Continue with your quest to remain "lotus in a muddy pond - a Sthitaprajna"